Nirvana
by ski angel
Summary: This is the story of Lily's quest for peace, sanity, and the last slice of chocolate cake!
1. Owling for Idiots

Nirvana

July 16, 3:12 A.M.

A journal. Thanks Aunt Milly for your thoughtful, but completely USELESS present. I'm sure I'll write in it everyday.

3:13

You know, I just might. Another thing to add to my list of why I have no life…which is why I don't have any need for my journal. If I were to become a brilliant heroine one day I might need it to tell the world the true story of how Lily Evan's brain works. But I won't. A) If I were to face a great villain like You-Know-Who (actually you don't know who) I'd probably wet myself. Seriously. Or I'd be scared as shit. B) I'll never be able to get through school with Potter courting me. His idea of impressing the gals is to turn random people upside down and show their undies. Almost blinding someone is not exactly the best way to win a girl's heart. C) Do the words sugar high, insane Lily strike terror in your heart? I'd probably freak everybody out.

3:15

What in the name of- (_here, the writing trails off_)

That owl pecked me! Stupid owl! Well, no wonder I hate it so much! It belongs to Potter!

_

* * *

_**My Adorable Angel, Lily,**

**If you don't tell me you love me, I'll become a hermit and live on roots and berries 'til the end of my days! Please, I beg of you, darling, go out with me!**

**Love, Your Ardent and Passionate Lover,**

**James**

* * *

What in the name of chocolate haters! When I get back to Hogwarts, I'll hex him to oblivion! That stupid prick! 

3:20

Ha! Let's see how much he likes my response!

_

* * *

Dear Stupid Moron,_

_Go to hell._

_Lily_

* * *

3:30 

HOLY SHIT! I don't want to become pen pals with Potter!

_

* * *

_**My Beautiful and Glorious Sunshine,**

**Only if you go with me.**

**James.**

* * *

Scratch the hexing! I'LL KILL HIM! But first I'll torture him! 

_

* * *

Dear Idiotic Imbecile,_

_I'm not going anywhere with you! So stop owling me!_

_Lily_

* * *

3:40 

I'll gouge his eyes out!

_

* * *

_

**Sugar Sweetie-pie, **

**That's where you're wrong. We're going to the Head's dorms together, whether you like it or not. **

**Love, James.**

* * *

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! This can't be happening to me! 

_

* * *

Dear Dim-wit,_

_HAS DUMBLEDORE GONE SENILE!_

_Lily_

* * *

3:50 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! If you hate me so much Lord, why don't you say so instead of torturing me!

_

* * *

_**Honey Sweetums,**

**I don't know. But if he is, all the better for me! One year with my darling babe!**

**James**

* * *

He did NOT call me a babe! 

_

* * *

Dear Crazy-Idiot-With-A-Death-Wish,_

_Stop with the names! And stop owling me! Or else!_

_Lily_

* * *

4:00 

Grrr….

_

* * *

_**Darling Dearest,**

**Whatever for, Honeybun? Sweetie-pie, don't you like the names? Glorious, beauteous, divine apparition, I bet you secretly do love the pet names I call you.**

**James**

**P.S. Or else what?**

* * *

Bloody hell! 

_

* * *

Or else I'll make sure you wished that You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters had gotten to you first! And I'm going to sleep now! SO SOD OFF!_

_Lily_

* * *

4:15 

Finally, some peace and quiet. Nirvana. Heaven at last. All that anger makes me hungry. Time for chocolate. Milk Chocolate or Dark Chocolate? Or both?


	2. Packing for Insane Maniacs

August 31

11:58 PM

Okay, I lied to my mum when I said I was done packing so sue me. After all, you'd have to pay a lawyer and waste time in court to get practically nothing. Can't have any chocolate until I'm done packing. How do they expect me to LIVE long enough to actually finish packing up my luggage! I NEED CHOCOLATE EVERY 30 MINUTES TO SURVIVE! Of course, I've spent the last 15 minutes griping and writing in you. Wait…you? This journal is just scraps of paper put together. It is an inanimate object. It can not understand you. Repeat that in your head, Lily as needed.

12:13

Argh. I wish I could use magic but nooooo. Under age magic got banned 5 years ago. There have been rumors that the cause of the ban was a certain idiot (the idiot part is my own addition) named James Potter and his friend Sirius Black. (They're so close that some people wonder if they're gay. That's all nonsense of course. If they really were, they would have set off dung bombs during class and in the confusion eloped on their broomsticks with a banner saying 'JUST MARRIED' hanging from their broomsticks.) STUPID SOCKS! Why do I have so many? And why can't find their pairs?

12: 25

YES, FINALLY! I HAVE COMPLETED THE MISSION! And now I can have some chocolate! All inhabitants of the Evans' home must evacuate immediately. I repeat, all inhabitants of the Evans' home must evacuate immediately. Lily is about to turn into a sugar high insane maniac. MUHWAHWAHWAHWA! Er…not that I'm not already an insane maniac.


	3. Trains, Hornets, and Vomit

September 1

9:10

I love trains. The scenery passing by makes me feel as if I am watching another world. The movement of the train is so soothing. And watching a sickly James Potter dash out of the Heads' Car every few minutes during our Prefects Meeting is just a bonus. Who knew that the captain of our invincible Gryfinndor Quidditch Team had such a delicate stomach?

9:13

Ewww… he didn't make it in time. He just barfed after everybody left. They were blocking the doorway, you see. Gosh, what a whiff. Must… use… Bubble-Head… Charm! Ah… that's better. Although I do look like an idiot if I do say so myself… Oh well. If I must use a Bubble-Head Charm to watch the bane of my existence suffer and breathe clean air at the same time, then I must use a Bubble-Head Charm.

9:15

He just dashed out again! Haha! This is so much fun minus the cleaning up of his mess. I'm so glad I'm a witch. I don't have to touch it while getting rid of Potter's vomit.

9:20

Uh-oh… I don't like the look on his face… He's SMILING. This bodes ill for me. I (_Writing abruptly stops._)

* * *

"Hello, Lily darling." James smirked. "What's your motive?" Lily glared suspiciously at him. "Why Lily, you wound me! All I wanted to do was to compliment your beautiful hair pins." Lily quickly looked in a mirror to see not her pins but hornets buzzing around her head. "Toodle loo!" James dashed for the door but Lily tripped him. Taking advantage of his inactivity, Lily charmed the hornets so that they'd only sting him. "OWCH!" James screamed and ran out the door. Lily cackled. "I am _sooo_ good."

* * *

9:30

I hear James' footsteps. All that running can't be too good for him especially since the train is turning. Ooh. I heard some squeals of disgust. James must have thrown up in front of some girls. Haha. Serves him right.

10:00

We're here! I love my bag. It's charmed so it can hold a lot of stuff. Stuff meaning my clothes, books, essentials, and James' luggage. I think he's still in the compartment looking for it. Ooh, he just swore. Haha. And now to have some victory chocolate.


	4. Cowboys, Pirates, and Who Knows Whats

I have reorganized this chapter. It's a bit easier on the eyes now, don't you think? I've tweaked a few things but they're small changes and don't do anything really.

* * *

Lily was trying to do her potions essay. Notice the _trying_. It wasn't going well due to a certain James Potter and his best friend Sirius Black. They were running around the Heads' dorms pretending to be pirates/cowboys/who-knows-whats. 

"Bang, Bang!" Sirius was making a gun out of his hand. "Arrr! I've got ya now, matey!"

"Kapwing, kapwing!" James pretended the tip of his finger was the bullet and made the bullet bounce harmlessly off his chest.

"Hey!" Sirius demanded. "How'd you do that?"

"Lils, what are those things that you wear that keeps the bullets off?"

"Bullet proof vests and my name is not Lils."

"Oh yeah? Well take that!" Sirius grabbed a stick and began swishing it dangerously close to James' face. James grabbed a stick and began fighting back.

On guard! Only I shall win the hand of the fair Rose of Hogwarts, Lily!"

Sirius stopped. "Why would I want Lily?"

"Are you insulting the beauty of milady?" Sirius opened his mouth to answer but Lily spoke first.

"James. Shut up. Sirius, rip James' tongue out. James, don't fight Sirius while he's doing that. Sirius. While you're at it, make James sterile."

"How?"

"I don't know! Just make it so he'll never have children again."

"Okay. Touché!"

"Them's fighting words, pardner! The Crane!" James stood on one foot and lifted his arms.

"The Funky Monkey!" Sirius began scratching his arm pits and making monkey noises.

"Arr, matey! Take that and that!" James grabbed a hanger and slashed at Sirius, pretending it was a hook.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm a ninja!" Sirius began throwing random objects as if they were throwing stars when one of them hit Lily's head. Lily snapped.

"That's it! Go play outside!"

* * *

Sirius was roaring like a dragon on a grass hill while James was wearing some stolen armor from a corridor and holding a long stick as a sword.

"Don't worry, fair princess Lily! I'll save you from the ugly and smelly dragon!"

Lily was tied to a tree behind Sirius and her face was growing as red as her flaming hair. "THIS WAS _NOT_ WHAT I MEANT!" She screamed.


	5. What's In A Name?

_Dear…er… Journal…_

_You have been honored to be written in by James Olivier Charlemagne Kristoph Solomon Tristan Rob Anybody Potter. Right then. Right. What the hell am I supposed to write about anyway? I'd ask Padfoot except… his idea of a journal is recording the names of every girl he's snogged. Brilliant, that one is. Absolutely genius._

James sighed as he chucked the leather-bound journal into the waste basket. "You know, Padfoot, I don't think this journal thing is working out for me." Sirius's ears perked up. Journal? Journal meant diary. Diary meant deepest darkest secrets. James's deepest darkest secrets in Sirius's hands meant loads of humiliation and embarrassment for James. Which meant Sirius would be happy. Very happy. Sirius could hardly sit still in his seat, waiting for James to find his clothes and leave.

Half an hour later…

"Where is my darn underwear?" James raked his hair in frustration in front of an overturned drawer. "Padfoot? Have you seen my underwear?"

"Nope. You can borrow mine." James turned around suspiciously. Padfoot being so generous meant that Sirius was abducted and a fake was left behind in his place or that he wished to play a prank on James. James carefully inspected Sirius's extra underwear and prodded it with his wand. Finally satisfied that it wasn't charmed or hexed, James put it on, got dressed, and left the room. The minute the door slammed shut, Sirius scampered to the wastebasket and grabbed the book.

James was reading in the Gryffindor common room when he heard a maniacal laugh coming from the boys' dorm. A wheezing Sirius stumbled out the room and flew himself to the top of the chandelier.

"JOCKSTRAP," he yelled at the top of his lungs. James grew bright red as he saw the book Sirius was holding in his hands.

"Sirius! There are innocent first years here, for Christ's sake!"

Sirius grinned. "James's initials are JOCKSTRAP!"

Lupin raised an eyebrow at Sirius. "I thought they were J.P."

"Padfoot. Shut up."

"J is for James or Jamesie-poo!" "Padfoot!"

"O is for Olivier or Ollie-boy!"

"Padfoot, I'm surprised at you! I expected more from a Marauder."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

"I should have said OLIVE! James is a white vegetable!"

"Moony would like to add his two cents in by reminding Padfoot that olives are anything but white."

"Exactly why he's a white olive!"

"Shut up, both of you!"

"C is for Charlemagne…or… er…"

"Charlemagne means Charles the Great."

"C is for Charlemagne the Not-So-Great!"

"Moony, make him stop!"

"Why? This is so amusing."

"Fine then. Be that way."

"Oh we will."

"K is for Kristoph von Heimenhilvennhifer!"

"Gesundheit?"

"Heimen-what's it what?"

"Kristoph von Heimenhilvennhiferhorkanschroedendimer!"

"That sounded longer than the first time. And it's Kristoph. Just Kristoph."

"Moony would like to know where Padfoot learned 'German.'"

"It is one of my one hundred eight special super secret skills!"

"And what's another one? Snogging girls senseless in broom closets?"

"No, it's _remembering_ the names of every girl I snogged silly."

"That's better, how?"

"Another one is climbing atop mountains and seeing the whole world with my left eye! And my other left eye!"

"How many left eyes do you have?"

"Eleventyten."

"That's not even a number."

"Anywho! S is for Solomon the Not-So-Wise!"

"Solomon had billions of wives."

"Really? Not fair! Well I'm the secret lover of your billions of wives!"

"Moony would like to point out that James would only marry Lily and that's assuming that she says yes."

"T is for Tristan."

"No wisecracks this time?"

"Hey, Moony! Who the heck is Tristan?"

"Well he did have doomed a love."

"Like James? I mean he's probably going to die before he graduates at this rate! And graduation is SO fun!"

"Because you feel as if you accomplished something?"

"Heck no! Because we have a party with all the babes later on and we can get drunk and—"

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"Moving on! R is for… Rob? Why Rob? It's so lame."

"Read the next name."

"Rob Anybody?"

"Yup. My dad was starting to say the name Robert when my mother started screaming 'Hello? Anybody going to clean me up!' so the doctor heard Rob Anybody. Stupid hospital wouldn't change it. It stuck."

"What do you steal anyway?"

"Stuff."

"MOONY! I found out who's been stealing our underwear! It's James! Oh the horrors! To think my best friend is a kleptomaniac with a fetish for underwear!"

"SHUT UP, PADFOOT!"

"Our underwear has been getting stolen?"

"James has been losing his boxers with the pictures of Lily on them."

"He has pictures of _me_? On his boxers?"

The Marauders looked up to see a grinning Lily. "Oh, um, Hello, Lily…ehehe…" James trailed off in fear. "How long have you been there?"

"Long enough, Jockstrap."

"WHAT THE HE-"

"Now, now, James. You won't be able to win any girl's heart by swearing at her. Bye now!"

James groaned. "My life is ruined," he wailed as he began tugging on his hair. He focused his crazy wild-eyed look on Padfoot and pointed a finger at him. "YOU! This is ALL your fault!"

Sirius jumped down from the chandelier and began running. "Not my fault you steal underwear!"

"I do not steal underwear!"

"Then what did you steal? Huh?"

"Your socks."

Padfoot's lips quivered as his voice lowered to a hoarse whisper. "Not my lucky socks, anything but them!"

James laughed maniacally. "Oh, yes your lucky socks."

"Not the orange ones with beautiful purple triangles doing the tango with green squares!"

"Uh-huh."

"You mean the ones with the bright blue heels with mermaids dancing in them?"

"The very same."

"And plaid toes?"

"Yup."

"THEY WERE MY FAVORITE TOE SOCKS! AND YOU MUST PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES! DEATH TO JOCKSTRAPS! EEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

"Head for the hills!"

"No one can save you now!"

"FLY YOU STUPID BROOM! ARRRGGH! NOOO!"

Padfoot had climbed onto the end of James's broomstick and was biting on James's socks. "An eye for an eyeball, an ear for a toothball, and most importantly, a sock for a sock!"

"LEMME GOOO!"

"Sock… must… have… sock…"

* * *

okay... this is the weirdest thing i have ever written...  



	6. What's In A Name? TWO!

11:09

Just got a letter from my dear Aunt Sara! Oh yayness! Notice the sarcasm. She's always trying to fix me up with the sons of her card-playing friends. They are ALL ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING! Ahem. Why am I clearing my throat in a book? Anyway she just HAD to start off with:

_My Dearest Lily Olive Adalgisa Harriet-Hortense Shrew Orlantha Maisun Evans,_

_How I do enjoy writing your name!_

I'll bet she does. She gets to laugh that there is actually a person out there with an uglier name than she does. Her name is Sara Clara Henrietta Mara Ursula Cara Kaplowitz. SCHMUCK.

12:04

_You have such a beautiful name!_

My family is deluded becuase they seem to think that having several middle names is a GOOD thing. Which of course it isn't. I mean, look at Potter's initials. Jockstrap? Who in their right mind would name their kid that? Nobody, that's who! Just like nobody would name their kid LOATHSOME. Yes, my friends. My initials are L.O.A.T.H.S.O.M.E. Lily Olive Adalgisa (Which is an old German name) Trixi Harriet-Hortense (Which by the way is not a REAL name) Shrew (Don't ask) Orlantha (Also old German, my parents had fixation of Wagner) Maisun Evans.

12:10

I can see your astounded and horrified expression, book. No, wait! You don't have a face! Books don't have faces, books don't have faces! Repeat as needed Lily Evans.

* * *

Sirius was digging through Lily's things in search for a quill when he found a book that practically screamed, "READ ME!" Anything with a lock on it is telling you to open it quickly or else it shall put a curse on you so that you'll be tormented by curiosity FOREVER! Sirius smiled as he got out his magic knife and opened the book. It flipped open to a page with… 

Lily's full name.

Sirius laughed like he never laughed before excluding the 'Jockstrap Incident' as he liked to call it. He ran out the room and jumped onto the chandelier, again. All looked up in anticipation except for James who was fearful that the chandelier would break and fall on his head and Lily who recognized the book in Sirius's hands.

"SIRIUS BLACK! DROP THAT BOOK NOW IF YOU EVER WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN!"

"Already had them."

"Excuse me?"

"Never mind about that! LOATHSOME!"

"Sirius, I'm warning you."

"L is for Lily-kins or Lily-who or Lily-pie or all those other cute little names Jamesie-poo calls her!"

"He called me what? YOU called me those horrific names? I'll give you ten seconds, Potter. You, too, Sirius!"

"O is for Olive. Hey! They are destined!"

"Moony would like to inquire what olives and destiny have to do with each other."

"Lily and James are both WHITE OLIVES!"

"Sirius, I'm warning you…"

"A is for Adalgisa von Schliemenschizenkoshweiner!"

"More German?"

"SIRIUS BLACK!"

"Bless you…?"

"Adalgisa von Schliemenschizenkoshweinerhohenzillerndimer."

"Sirius! I'm coming up there!"

"Oh no, you don't!" Sirius began pulling things like refrigerators and stoves out of his pockets, ready to aim. Lily backed away slowly.

"T is for Trixi the Not-So-Tricky!"

"Sirius. I'm on the rag. You don't want to mess with me…"

"H is for… OH MY GOD! YOU POOR CHILD!"

"Yes, I know. Now shut up."

"I can not say the name. It is far too vile, too cruel. Imagine going through life as a Harriet-Hortense!"

"You just said it."

"OH NO! My tongue shall fall off unless I say the counter curse! Esnetroh-Teirrah!"

"What…?"

"Esnetroh-Teirrah is-"

"Never mind. I don't even want to know."

"S is for shrew? Aren't shrews those quarrelsome vile creatures?"

"A man was calling his wife a shrew for forcing hospital food down his throat. The doctors wrote 'Shrew' down, those idiots."

"See! Another reason you are destined for James! You both have accidental middle names! Soon Lily, you shall be LOATHSOME P. Wait. LOATHSOME P! Like Loathsome Pee!"

"That's assuming I even marry Potter which is highly unlikely because at best, I'll kill him before the year is over."

"But how can you resist being called Loathsome Pee?"

"Oh believe me; I can resist being called detested urine."

"Moony would like to know what is worse than death."

"Castration."

"But that would mean Jamesie-poo will die a virgin! If he dies or loses his equipment than he won't be able to meet the girls at the graduation party and he won't be able to-"

"WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

"Fine then, Moony. Be that way. O is for Orlantha van Derchristenkroischlingfruyger!"

"Even MORE German?"

"My dear Moony, you sound…upset! Do you not like me anymore? WAAAAH! The grumpy old man is being mean to me! Beat him up, Mommy Evans!"

"What! If you value your ability to emulate the Grand Progenitor, you will stop now."

"M is for Maisun. Why that sounds like… My SON! Oh My LORD! Lily is MY SON! That'll make James… my future DAUGHTER-IN-LAW! I can't wait until the wedding. We can have James wearing a nice poofy pink dress and a blonde wig of LONG BRAIDS! And we'll have a lot of pretty bridesmaids and we shall commission a Viking singer and the wedding will take place in a pagoda in the middle of the desert on a rainy day! AND THE BACHELOR'S PARTY! WE'LL GO CLUBBING AND MEET ALL THE SHOW GIRLS AND GO INTO ROOMS AND-"

"_**WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"**_

"Whoa. Moony. You've got a voice like a foghorn."

"Sirius, you pronounce it May Sun. Got that? Good. Now shut up!"

"And of course. Our finale. E is for the grand, all-powerful, magnificent Evans!" With that, Sirius grabbed his broom out of his pocket and began zipping around the room. Lily furiously charmed objects (including protesting pictures) to hit Sirius on the head. This mad chase went along for awhile until…

"What is all this racket," Professor McGonagall screeched as she entered the room. Sirius suddenly stopped and got crashed into from behind by all the book shelves, chairs, portraits, books, lamps, tables, and people that had been charmed to hit him. All said objects and Sirius landed onto the ground. "Now I don't want to hear a peep out of this common room! Understand? Good! Now go to sleep!" She stormed out of the room.

For a few seconds all was quiet.

"Ouch… Mommy Lily, that hurt," Sirius whimpered.

There was much blood shed that night.

* * *

Hope you liked this one! Took me awhile; had problems while trying upload this document. Thanks to my sister Kryxer for helping me with the names (especially the 'German' ones) for both this chapter and the one before it. Thought that the ending was sort of weak... oh well. Don't forget to click on that little blue button at the bottom left corner of the page! 


	7. All You Need Is Spuds!

Ever since Lily had become Head Girl, her life seemed a bit more surreal. She had only five words to explain this: Marauders Creating Chaos For Lily. She had been called, "Loathsome" by at least 20 people, all of whom came down with mysterious ailments that took Madame Pomfrey weeks to cure. It was rumored that the true reason Vivianne Johannson had not been attending classes for a month was not because of an accident in Remedial Potions but because of a strange case of acne. The words, "I AM A SCHUMCK. KICK ME!" had allegedly been written on her face by gigantic pimples. According to 'witnesses' of which there were at least a hundred, when Ms. Johannson first discovered her malady, she had run out of a bathroom with her hands over her face yelling, "It's a horrible" just seconds after Lily herself had left the restroom. However, these 'facts' were in Rita Skeeter's Gossip Column so their legitimacy had to be questioned. But what neither stories explained was how at the match of Slytherin versus Gryffindor, Lucius Malfoy's broom began bucking and swaying, threw Lucius up in the air, caught him again, hitting him…well, you-know-where in the process, and promptly dumped him from 300 feet in the air.

* * *

Sirius was walking out of the Hogwarts Kitchens holding a huge basket of potatoes. "Spuds, spuds, spuds," He sang softly to himself in a high falsetto. "I have so many taters… I know! I'll be nice and give one to Lily-spud!" And so Sirius went skipping along, or at least as well he could skip while carrying 100 potatoes, to Lily's room while singing "All You Need Is Spuds" (See bottom for lyrics).

* * *

James was sitting high up in a tree when Lily and some of he friends walked by underneath him. 

"Isn't he so cute?" _I'm cute too! In fact, I'm cuter than whoever you're talking about!_

"Yup! He has such golden curls!" _So? My hair is nicer! Does his hair look like he's just got off a broomstick?_

"Absolutely gorgeous!" _So am I. I'm as beautiful as you can get!_

"Look at his eyes!" _ What about them, huh?_

"They're so warm and kind!" _I'm not just warm. I'm hot!_

"My parents absolutely adore him." _Her parents have already met him! What are they thinking about? Marriage?_

"He has such melting chocolate eyes." _Chocolate? I can buy all the chocolate in the world for you, Lily!_

"I love him!" _ NO! Lily, my darling! What about me?_

The girls walked away in the direction of the castle, leaving James to seethe in silent frustration.

(Author's Note: The italics are James's thoughts. He's not so stupid that he would voice them out loud while Lily is there (at least, I hope he isn't because if he was well... I think he'd already by buried under six feet of dirt) so I decided to write them in italics.)

* * *

"Moony! You must help me! All Lily will talk about is his golden curls and chocolate eyes," James wailed as Remus neared him. 

"Are you talking about Lily's dog? Ever since he recently got potty-trained Lily's adored him."

"Dog? What dog?"

"She bought one last year, remember? It bit you and made you say an interesting speech composed solely of expletives, many of which I, or anyone else present at that time, had never heard of until then. It was what convinced Sirius to pick a dog."

"What? Oh no! I have made a most fatal error!"

"What are you talking about? And what the hell is causing that dust cloud behind you?" Remus raised an eyebrow at James. "This wouldn't have anything to do with that fatal error, would it?"

James turned around. "AAAAAAA! It's a mob of all the blondes I slugged today!"

"You went around beating up blondes? Boy, your hand must hurt!"

"I know that! What I want to know is how to escape them," James screeched shrilly in fear. He hysterically began to bemoan his fate when Sirius popped out of the bushes behind them.

"Personally, Moony would like to know why Padfoot is lurking behind shrubberies."

Sirius ignored Remus as he began muttering to himself like a madman. "Ninety-nine potatoes! Ninety-nine! I clearly remember stealing one hundred taters. So where, oh where, is the last poe-tay-tah-toe?" Sirius grabbed Remus's shoulders and shook him. "WHERE?"

Remus raised an eyebrow at Sirius's ravings. "May Moony ask what the heck a poe-tay-tah-toe is?"

"Some people say poe-tay-toe. Others say poe-tah-toe-"

"Who says that," Remus interjected but Sirius went on with his explanation as if Remus had said nothing.

"So I put them together to make… POE-TAY-TAH-TOE!" Sirius laughed maniacally as he got out a chalkboard and wrote, 'Poe-tay-toe + Poe-tah-toe POE-TAY-TAH-TOE or POE-TAH-TAY-TOE'.

"Um…" Remus looked at Sirius as if he was a madman, not that Sirius wasn't. Suddenly, James got a flashing light-bulb over his head.

"I'VE GOT IT," he yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Ooooh… pretty light," Sirius drooled over James's head as he poked the light-bulb, ignoring the burning, tingly sensation that came over his finger each time he touched it. James wiped the spit off his head in disgust before continuing.

"Sirius, I know who stole your potato. It was that mob of blondes! They stole your potato! They divided it up into pieces! And they ATE it!" James pointed to the nearing dust cloud.

"Moony thinks that those pieces must have been might tiny," Remus commented dryly but Sirius ignored him.

"THEY STOLE MY POTATO! DO NOT WORRY, MY DARLING DEAD SPUD! I SHALL AVENGE YOU! DEATH TO POTATO STEALERS! EEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!" Sirius yelled his customary…er… battle cry before charging at the mob.

"OH NO," the blondes wailed as they mowed each other down in their haste to get out of Sirius's way. "SIRIUS BLACK HAS GONE ON A MAD RAMPAGE!"

James snickered as he whispered in Moony's ear, "Padfoot will never guess that I'm using him!" Remus on the other hand wasn't so sure. All the times James had said, "So-and-so will never guess (blank)," things had always ended up with him, Remus Lupin, getting hurt.

* * *

Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore were sipping butterbeer in the teacher's lounge when Professor McGonagall happened to look out the window. "My, what a huge dust cloud," she remarked. 

Dumbledore leaned slightly out the window to get a closer look. "Minerva, that's no dust cloud. That's a group of blonde male students. They seem to be running away from something. But what?"

McGonagall's eyes widened as she used her omnioculars. "My word! It's Sirius Black gone on a mad rampage. I fear for those blondes."

Dumbledore got out his own pair of omnioculars. "He's got a lasso made from a clothesline… that's still got a pair of underwear saying 'Tuesday' on them."

"And he's just gotten a fire poker out of his pocket!"

"Run, blondes, run! You'll have to go faster than that!"

"They're almost at the doors!"

"They're going to make it! For the first time in history, Sirius's victims will escape!"

"And…no! Sirius gets one last spurt of energy!"

"They're done for!"

"They don't have a chance!"

"Oooh. That hit from the Cleansweep is going to hurt!"

"Ouch! He's just given that kid some nasty boils!"

"Madame Pomfrey is going to have her work cut out for her. I should give her a raise."

"Wait! Look at that last blonde go!"

"Run, lad!"

"Idiot! The other way!"

"He'll never last now!"

"Oh, my goodness!"

"Well, that was most thrilling."

"It's always more fun when there's one last man standing."

"Of course, the end is always inevitable."

"True, true."

"You know, this might become more popular than quidditch. If so, I'd love to be a commentator. I've got plenty of experience."

"One thousand gladiators and a few Hungarian Horntails should be game enough for Sirius."

"No, no. They wouldn't have a chance no matter what numbers they had."

"Ah, well. It was fun while it lasted."

"Blast. I was so caught up in the excitement that my butterbeer's gone cold. Reheated butterbeer never quite tastes the same."

"I'll make another batch for you, Albus."

"Lemon drop?"

"Pardon?"

"Never mind."

* * *

Sirius trotted back to an astounded Remus and James. 

"That…was…bloody…brilliant."

"Moony proposes that we take Padfoot with us whenever we go camping to remote places. Padfoot could fight the natives."

"I, Prongs, totally agree with-"

"And that was one DEE-licious baked potato!" Wormtail licked his fingers as he approached the other three Marauders.

Sirius's left eye (his third one, mind you) twitched. "_YOU_ ate _MY_ potato," Sirius accused Peter. Then he fixed his suspicious left eye (his sixtytenth one, mind you) on James and Remus. "And you two! You lied to me! You were his ACCOMPLICES! Potato stealers must DIE! EEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"

"AAAAA! Sirius Black has gone on a mad rampage!"

* * *

"Wasn't that Sirius Black's battle cry?" 

"I do believe you're right, Albus."

"Imagine that. Sirius has gone on a mad rampage twice today."

"And he's taken out… what is that thing?"

"It's a muggle toy. It is called a 'bat'."

"Oooh. Remus and James have offered Peter as a sacrifice."

"Poor thing."

"Sirius is appeased for now…"

"But who knows who will next be thrown to the dogs?"

"You mean Sirius."

"No, I mean dogs. Sirius's animalistic instincts resemble a dog's."

"Always a high-thinker, eh Albus?"

"You flatter me, Minerva. Lemon drop?"

"Pardon?"

"Never mind."

* * *

"Um, Sirius," Lily approached the scene cautiously, not wanting Sirius's saliva to get slobbered all over her the same way it had been slobbered all over Peter. "Why have you put your potato in my sock drawer?" She pulled out a tiny little potato from her pocket. 

"Why, it's my potato!" Sirius scampered to Lily and pulled the spud out of her hand. "My dear poe-tay-tah-toe, at last we are reunited!" He noticed a much bruised and battered James and Remus approaching him. Peter was crawling away to the castle to take a shower but James and Remus were glowering at him. "Ehehe… Sorry?" Sirius tried to smile winningly. "It's a good thing I missed sometimes, isn't it?"

"Uh-huh, very good thing," James glared at Sirius.

"Let's just see that bat of yours," Remus snarled.

"Get away from me! Not my fault I've inherited short-term memory loss! Blame my dear, darling mum! Did I mention she's infested by demons? Stay back! I warn you, I'm a rainbow colored belt in judokarate! EEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"

* * *

"Wasn't that Sirius Black?" 

"This is the third time today. You must do something, Albus, before things get out of control."

"They'll be fine!"

"Oooh… From that trident Remus Lupin's got in his hands, I'm not so sure."

"Mud ball throwing. I remember my own days in school. It was a most enjoyable past time!"

"Don't go telling the students that, Albus."

"Oh no… A mud ball hit Lily Evans!"

"Run, boys, run!"

"And what a great right hook!"

"She's- she's- she's beating Sirius Black!"

"And we have our winner!"

"Congratulations to Lily Evans, our school champ!"

"That was most invigorating."

"Quite."

"Lemon drop?"

"Pardon?"

"Never mind."

* * *

_Announcer_: Here it is! The moment you've all been waiting for! The fantastic! The amazing- 

_Random Person in Audience_: Oh, get on with it already!

_Announcer_: Fine, then. Be a meanie. Sirius and Co. singing _All You Need Is Spuds!_

_James yelling from behind curtain_: Why is it "Sirius and Co."? Why not "James and Co."? I'm just as good as Sirius. (_Starts singing badly off key_) FA-LA-LA-LA-LA LA-LA-LA-LA!

_Random Person in Audience_: Oh, SHUT UP!

_James yelling from behind curtain_: YOU SHUT UP!

_Random Person in Audience_: NO, YOU SHUT UP!

_James yelling from behind curtain_: NO,YOU- Mmmmpphhh

_Announcer with one hand behind the curtain in order to suffocate James _: Presenting "Sirius, and James, and Co." singing _All You Need Is Spuds!_

A beaming Sirius, an indignant James, an embarrassed Peter, a reluctant Remus, and a boiling mad Lily (whose wand was stolen and whose legs are charmed to dance) all come tap dancing onto stage.

**Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds.**

**There's no potato that isn't well done.**

**Taters are what make the world go round.**

**Nothing you can say but you can learn how to eat taters  
**

** It's easy.  
**

** There's no spud you can cook that can't be cooked.**

**No spud you can save that can't be saved.**

**Nothing you can do but you can learn the words to this song  
**

**It's easy.**

**You can have them mashed, You can have them baked,**

**You can have them deep fried, Spuds are all you need.**

**Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds, Spuds.**

**All you need are spuds, all you need are spuds,**

**All you need are spuds, spuds, Spuds are all you need.**

**There's nothing you can eat that aren't spuds.**

**Nothing you can love that aren't spuds.**

**Nowhere you can be that isn't where spuds can't be found.**

**It's easy.  
**

**You can have them mashed, You can have them baked,  
**

**You can have them deep fried, Spuds are all you need.  
**

** All you need are spuds (all together now)  
**

** All you need are spuds (everybody)  
**

** All you need is taters, Spuds are all you need.**

_Sirius: _YEEHAW!

_Lily who is finally freed_: JAMES OLIVIER CHARLEMAGNE KRISTOPH SOLOMON TRISTAN ROB ANYBODY POTTER! I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU AND YOUR INSANE FRIEND- YES, YOU, SIRIUS- THREE SECONDS BEFORE I HEX YOU TWO TO NEXT WEEK WEDNESDAY!

_Sirius_: Well, my fellow Maruaders, we had some great times. Moony, tell all the girls that I snogged that I love them.

_Moony_: How am I supposed to tell who you snogged and who you didn't snogged?

_Sirius_: In this notebook I am giving you, you shall find all the names of the girls I snogged.

_Moony_: Oh, good Lord.

_Sirius_: My eleventyten all seeing left eyes saw that the day I would have to leave you was coming soon so I sorted the names by House.

_Moony_: That's not going to help.

_Sirius_: I put little asterisks next to the ones I went to home bas-

_Moony_: WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

_James_: COME ON, SHE'S ABOUT TO BLOW!

_Sirius_: RUN FOR IT!

_James_: OUTTA MY WAY, PEOPLES!

_Sirius_: OH, GEEZE, SHE'S WEARING CLEATS!

_Both_: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

_Lily_: COME BACK HERE!

_Moony_: We interrupt this program because of the graphic violence that is about to happen. Have a nice day!


	8. Sirius Black, AUTHOR?

A look into Sirius's personal life…

"The Official Sirius Black Snogging Journal" otherwise known as "Sirius Black's Little Black Book" also called "Why Girls Think Sirius Black is So Incredibly Sexy".

Written by the Incredibly Amazing Sirius Black

"My name is Sirius Black.

I live in Hogwarts. It is a very special place.

There is Lily and James, Moony and Peter, and the girls that love me so much."

_Editor: WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THAT!_

_Sirius: But, but, editor! It's the recipe for the perfect story!_

_Editor: IT ISN'T PERFECT!_

_Sirius: -turns on the Sirius charm- But I'm perfect…_

_Editor (who happens to be female): -swoons-

* * *

_

The REAL Editor: CUT! WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THAT!

Sirius: But, but, editor! It's the recipe for the perfect story!

The REAL Editor: IT ISN'T PERFECT!

Sirius: -turns on the Sirius charm- But I'm perfect…

The REAL Editor (who happens to be male): AAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Sirius: EWWWWWWWWWWW! IT'S A GUY!

* * *

Chapter the First 

I am SO HOT

Chapter the Second

I am SO SEXY

Chapter the Third

I am SO FINE

_Editor: That is SO true, Sirius! Please, Sirius. Sleep with me! (At this time, Moony comes in, hears the editor, and yells, "We don't want to know!")_

_Sirius: I will, oh beautiful editor who happens to be female!_

_Editor: I love you Sirius!

* * *

_The REAL Editor: WHAT KIND OF STORY IS THAT?

Moony: WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

Sirius: AAAAAAAAAAA! It's a GUY!

The REAL Editor: Didn't we already establish the fact that I'm a guy?

Moony: He inherited short-term memory loss from his mother.

Sirius: Did I mention that my mother is infested by a hundred hairy Bedouins?

Moony and The REAL Editor: -falls over-

* * *

Chapter the Fourth: List of All Hufflepuffs I've Snogged 

Eliza Smith (Broom Closet)

Emilie Hollingbery (Deserted Classroom)

Alice Wright (Hallway)

Charis Cooper (Library)

John Smith

* * *

The REAL Editor and Moony: JOHN SMITH! THAT'S A GUY'S NAME! 

Sirius: It's hard to escape your adoring fans when you look this good!

The REAL Editor and Moony: -see John Smith walking towards them- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! -faint-

John Smith: Huh?

Sirius: -snickers- I was just messing with them...

* * *

Chapter the Fifth: The Real List of All Hufflepuffs I've Snogged 

Eliza Smith (Broom Closet)

Emilie Hollingberry (Deserted Classroom)

Alice Wright (Hallway)

Charis Cooper (Library)

Hope Thomas (Up In A Tree)

Rosa Johnson (Under Her Boyfriend's Nose, Figuratively)

Martha Lewis (Behind Her Boyfriend's Back, Literally)

_The list goes on and on...

* * *

_Chapter the Sixth: Sirius's Wishlist

- A Harem

- Beautful Female Attendants

- Well-Endowed, Scantily Clad Entertainers

- A Hundred Shapely Concubines

* * *

The REAL Editor: Hey, Sirius's wishlist matches mine! 

Sirius: Really? Maybe we should conduct a search for these women together! Things will go much faster that way!

The REAL Editor: And when we find these women we can-

Moony: _**I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! **_

Sirius: Calm down, Moony. We'll just have our mature conversation by ourselves where only those who wish to hear what we say can hear us.

The REAL Editor: WHO WANTS TO SEE MY CALENDAR OF MODELS!

All Males Present, excluding Moony: ME!

Moony: -falls over-

* * *

I'm so glad I changed the rating to T. This chapter would be so disturbing to innocent pure-minded people. Who wants to guess how old I really am? 


	9. Clan of the Toe Stepper Onners

I promised myself to update all my stories on Memorial Day. I was lazy and nothing happened. Didn't even type a single word. And then, the next day, karma struck.

I stepped on me own toe…

So, I wrote a bit.

A bit. Then I stopped because I was lazy.

Almost a month later, I was running away from my sister because I happened to awake the beast inside her. And now she's threatening me as she reads this over my shoulder. But anyway, I ran into the bathroom and tried to shut the door behind me to lock her out but the Beast is quick when angered. She managed to hold the door handle in such a way that I could not lock it and I was pressing all my weight against the door to try and keep her out. So my head was almost up against the door but the Beast is strong. She pushed the door and closed in the gap between my head and the door. The door hit my head and I decided that this must have been a warning, divine punishment from the god(s).

So folks, here it is. Chapter the Ninth: The Clan of the Toe Stepper On-ners...

* * *

Lily stared at the large hourglass. The red granules of seemed to shine like rubies in the light. Lily stared as the sand moved from one half of the hourglass to the other. She stared some more, her face turning as red as the sand in the hourglass. 

You see, the moving sands weren't flowing down. They were going back up. If it had been any other hourglass, Lily wouldn't have cared and would have dismissed it as a simple charm that a weird person put on a time keeper. But it wasn't any other hourglass. It was the hourglass that measured how many points a house had. And at this rate, Gryffindor was soon going to have a big zero.

"_**POTTER!"

* * *

**_

James looked up. Although he was much too far away to hear her, he could sense the vibrations. Not too mention the whole shack was shaking, the table had overturned, and his chair was rattling underneath him. Yup, it was about time he made his way back to the castle.

"Good work, men," he shook the hands of his friends, rolled up the battle plan, and suited himself up in chain mail armor. "We'll meet tomorrow, same time, same place. You're dismissed."

Sirius snorted. "Remember, oh, fearless commander, that's only if you survive Lily. And might I mention the chances of that are slim?"

James growled. "I _said_, you're dismissed!" Sirius scampered out, muttering something about PMS and James. Moony and Wormtail saluted their commander and then made their way out. James sighed as he finished tugging on a gauntlet. He only needed to survive this night.

* * *

James sneaked quietly into the empty corridor. All clear. He sighed as he took off the invisibility cloak. 

"POTTER!" James winced at the sound. He ducked as a goblet whizzed by his head, narrowly missing it.

"Yes, Lily dearest?" He cowered. Forget about courage! Forget about masculinity! This was a time for (in)action!

"Explain this!" Lily pointed emphatically at the wall. James stared in shock.

"It's so beautiful," he whispered, his eyes misting over.

"WHAT THE HECK IS SO BEAUTIFUL ABOUT A WANTED SIGN?" For there, on the wall, were four posters with pictures of the four marauders on them. They read:

_Peter Pettigrew_

_Wanted for Thievery, Vandalizing, Contempt of the Law,_

_And Hanging Around With Miscreants_

_Wanted Alive (So that the School Won't Get Sued)_

_Reward: 100 House Points_

_Remus Lupin_

_Wanted for Thievery, Vandalizing, Contempt of the Law,_

_And Hanging Around With Miscreants_

_Wanted Alive (Because He Is Smart And Brings the School Honor)_

_Reward: 500 House Points_

_Sirius Black_

_Wanted for Thievery, Vandalizing, Contempt of the Law,_

_And All Around No Good Crookery_

_Wanted Alive (So that McGonagall Can Kill Him)_

_Reward: 1000 House Points_

_James Potter_

_Wanted for Thievery, Vandalizing, Contempt of the Law,_

_And All Around No Good Crookery_

_Wanted Alive (So that McGonagall Can Kill Him Also)_

_Reward: 1000 House Points_

"It has been my life's dream to get on a wanted list!" James smiled blissfully. "For it to be finally fulfilled at such a young age!"

"You idiot! THIS IS BAD! All the other students are searching for you! The other houses so that they can get more points and our house because they want to kill you and hide your body!"

"Wow, that's cool! Will the roast me over a fire? Or will they stab me in the back? Or will they use poison?" James wandered around the hallway getting more and more excited with each idea.

"Watch out!" Lily pushed James out of the way before he walked into a trap set by the Slytherins (a strange green, smoky shape that resembled the dark mark was emitted by it). They both fell heavily onto the floor. Lily was lying on James in a most compromising position, complaining about the sharpness of elbows that jabbed people's stomachs. James muttered something along the lines of, 'ack, heavy!' Unfortunately for James, Lily had very sharp hearing and thus this remark prompted a thwack upside the head.

"Why, Lily-pie, if you loved me that much you could just tell me so," James tried to smile winsomely and was rewarded with another thwack upside the head. Lily got up and dusted herself of "stupid Potter pathogens".

"So… how did you idiots manage to lose this many points at once?"

"Idiots? We prefer the term 'The Clan of the Toe Stepper On-ners'."

"Pardon?"

"I am Mr. Chief-of-the-Clan-of-the-Toe-Stepper-On-ners. We go around smashing people's toes." James smiled innocently and promptly received a third thwack upside the head.

"Do you mean to tell me that this has happened-" Lily pointed at the wanted posters "-because you went to another level of stupidity and made a toe-stepping clan?" She glared daggers at James.

"Why yes, of course!" James gave her look that said, 'isn't-that-the-most-obvious-thing-in-the-world?' This look did not go past Lily's hawk-like eyes and she thwacked him upside the head for the fourth time. James rubbed his head and pouted. "If you're jealous you could just say so. You know this clan would never come between us! You are my sun, my moon, my- Ow!" Lily thwacked James upside the head causing him to pout once again.

"That's nice to know! NOW GO FIX THIS!"

"But Lily, dearest-"

**_"GO!"_**

_

* * *

_Professor McGonagall sighed. Those Marauder boys were going to be the death of her. And now they were getting head hunted. Somebody knocked on the door.

"What," she snapped peevishly. She didn't want to be bothered. She wanted to cry because somebody else was going to get the house cup this year by capturing her students, _her_ students!

"We've come to collect the reward for turning in the Marauders!" A muffled voice came from the other side of the door. McGonagall wondered how many people this person had told this news to. Maybe she could kill them and hide their bodies so that she could free the boys! She didn't want to lose the house cup!

"Come in," she growled angrily. Her anger dissipated and turned to disbelief when she saw who walked in. It was the Marauders! That was not surprising. What _was_ surprising was that there was no captor! "What are you four doing here! I'm NOT going to hide you in my office just to get the house cup!"

"We don't want to hide." James explained and turned to Sirius. "Padfoot, you may have the honors."

"Why don't mind if I do. We're turning ourselves in."

"WHAT?" McGonagall shot up and out of her chair, nostrils flaring. Remus smiled.

"That way Gryffindor can have the reward."

"And we can win the house cup!" Wormtail chirped enthusiastically. McGonagall fell back into her chair. She smiled slowly as realization dawned on her.

* * *

The End of the Year Banquet… 

"…And coming in first place with a record 3,164 points, Gryffindor!" Dumbledore smiled benevolently at the Marauders in the crowd who were slowly fading away. They were actually dolls stolen from first year girls (actually, Sirius's doll was stolen from a male but we digress) that were charmed to look the real Marauders and programmed to move. The real Marauders had been hiding in the shadows all along and when Dumbledore awarded the house cup, they set off all sorts of rockets and flares inside the Great Hall. Ten paper planes were flying about, trailing behind them a banner that read,

"SAY YOU'LL MARRY ME, LILY-PIE!"

What Lily said is unknown as there was lots of cheering from the Gryffindors but we know it has something to do with becoming 'Mrs. Chief of the Clan of the Toe Stepper On-ners'.

* * *

I tried to add a little Lily and James fluff in this chapter because one of my lovely reviewers wanted 'a little more ROMANCE'... Interesting how stepping on one's toe can give you inspiration. Thankfully, the knock in the head wasn't too hard or else I would have lost what precious little sanity I have left. Hehe... My ninth chapter... of weirdness. The number nine has a special meaning to me. Why? Because I was nine when I began to slowly grow crazy. Since this is the ninth chapter I'd like to thank everyone and anyone who reviewed! You people are my sun, my moon, my life! (That's what James was saying before Lily hit him... For awhile, I was considering calling this 'Hit me, baby, one more time' because Lily kept hurting James... but then I decided that the clan had much more to do with this chapter.) 


End file.
